The Struggle and the Turn-Around

It's been a rocky road, but I think the path is finally smoothing out a bit. For the past year or two my life has been a shit storm of school and work, even though I've managed to severely underachieve in each category. I guess that's sort of the way I've done most things since high school.

In grade school, I got good grades because most everything came naturally and wasn't all that difficult. This stayed true up until about my sophomore year in high school when I started to lose control of things. Since then, my work ethic, academic accomplishments, and life in general have suffered and it was sort of a mystery.

I've had trouble focusing for as long as I can remember, but in the second year of high school I went and saw a professional to see if I had ADD. She showed me a list of 10 things people with ADD tend to do and I scored 9/10. I'm a pretty mellow person when it comes to physical activity, but inside my mind it is a different story. It has always been like I'm thinking about a million things all at once with all these thoughts racing in my mind. In high school, it meant that I couldn't keep track of the teacher's lecturing or teaching of math homework. Then in college, it resulted in social anxiety bad enough that it made me start skipping classes and staying home and not doing homework. The thoughts were always racing and out of control and never honed in on doing the work.

Having a job at Gallup added to the stress and anxiety. Day after day I tried to conquer the thoughts running around and keeping me from peace, but to no avail. Some days I experienced miniature breakdowns and eventually I stopped going to work and had to quit because of the stress. I spent more and more time volunteering at the CVA play which was therapeutic to me.

Even after quitting Gallup in November, my grades suffered. Despite having an academic counselor, I couldn't stay organized. Something was awry. It seemed to be that my depression that was ruling my life and was causing my issues, but after counseling and several antidepressants, results still seemed inconclusive.

It was my mother that believed I was ADD the most. I doubted if I was, but knew that there was something definitely preventing me from succeeding academically and in life. Finally we saw a psychiatrist that recommended a small dosage of Vyvanse, an ADHD med.

A normal person's mind has a certain level of stimulation and allows them to focus and stay on task. Evidently, an ADD person's mind lacks the regular amount of stimulation and thus reaches out to other things to fill that stimulant void. Thus the racing thoughts in some or hyperactivity in others. At least, that's how I understand it.

I've been on it for almost a month and the change in mood and focus and anxiety is unbelievable. I was always hesitant to ask for ADD medication because of the stigmas about it. So many non-ADD kids take meds like Adderal or Ritalin to over stimulate their minds. It allows them to stay awake more, focus better, and at times causes euphoria. In an ADD person, the stimulant boosts their lacking stimulation so that they get to a normal level and can think clearly. I've found that it slows down my thoughts so I can organize them. There aren't as many racing thoughts which used to cause so much anxiety. I feel more present while in a group of people discussing things. Thus far, it seems like this Vyvanse is really the ticket for me, but only time will tell.

Lady Dracula

Here's a poem I wrote months ago which ended up inspiring me to write a short story about a guy imprisoned by a female vampire. No worries, they don't fall in love.

Lady Dracula,
Your love is like murder in my veins
There’s a seething fire in my heart
It ignited the day your teeth met my throat
And infected me with tender loving poison
This servitude is the apex of my mortal existence

You are the wind in the trees
  the shadow stitched to my heels
  the creaking kink in my back
  the tub full of blood
  the flickering candle
  the whisper from the basement

I walk to your coffin in a trance
we lay in an immortal dance

I am stoned with absolute adoration
        drunk with undying devotion

I traded freedom for love
  daylight for blood

Query

What if happiness is a lost cause?

What if my hopes yield nothing?

What if I’m pissing in the wind?

What if everything is bullshit in the end?

What if revolutions are just earth’s cycles?

What if today’s freedoms are just fancy jail cells?

What if these questions permeate the lies?

What if the answers bring down the sky?

Why is the straw of truth in a needle-stack?

Have I become a spider?

Do I entangle those meant to fly?

Where is my purpose before I die?

Are you a friend?

Would you forgive me?

If I buried you tonight?

If I couldn’t give up this fight?

What if happiness is a lost cause?

What if our hopes yield nothing?

What if we’re pissing in the wind?

What if everything is bullshit in the end?

Shangri-La

Oh Muse,
Your body is a statuesque masterpiece
Your spirit sings a sweet song
You are a living work of art

Oh Addiction,
Your eyes are two pills.
I lust after the analgesic sleep
That your bittersweet opium brings.

Oh Mistress,
I writhe in agony as if ablaze.
You’ve sunk a lure in my ribcage.
I am entangled in your web.

Oh Goddess,
My words wither in your presence,
I crave your fleeting attention,
But love not myself.

Oh Shangri-La,
You are the unobtainable.
The asymptote of my desires.
I am an endlessly curving line.

Loaded

Being creative is more than just being weird and coming up with lots of ideas.

Actually, that's basically it.

Eh... but it's not.


This person has a decent article on creativity and all the different facets and such. Of course I couldn't/didn't read it all cuz I'm way out of focus. I've had my morning three or so cups of coffee and have moved to iced tea and juice. Often I say how I feel like I'm riding a creative high where thoughts flow abundant like my coffee and are as radiant as the sun which I hate so much. Perhaps I should say that thoughts and ideas fall all around me like rain. That'd be better.

But seriously, shit, when these extreme moments come when I'm hyped about a new discovery, the brain goes wiiiiild. And by nature, I am not a wild, crazy, energetic person. Okay, perhaps crazy. But not energetic, unless there are many ideas flowing.

These highs happen whilst playing guitar with (or without) my band buddy Riley. When our voices and guitars come together in just the right way, damn, I get excited. It's awesome. Right now I'm riding upward on a high from a new twist to put in a short story I'm writing. Hopefully I'll be able to put it up here when I'm done with it. Sometimes highs come strictly from caffeine and I'm just bouncing off the walls of my mind for no reason. But usually there is some sort of creative-something happening.

This next article speaks briefly about creativity in the workplace and how sometimes some of the crankiest employees are the most creative. Surprise-surprise: Creativity often spawns from sadness. It crawls out from the bowels of darkness and depression. Anyone who follows this blog regularly knows that's true. This is why soooooo many famous artists, musicians, and writers have been known to be afflicted with mental illness. The lows give way to productive highs and it all goes in a circle.

Geez, I started typing this and I'm already tired of writing. Bout time to move on to something else. The other thing that's been a recent difficulty is my focus. It feels like it's waning even further and getting worse. Bleh. Reading is becoming more difficult, which is why I only skimmed the articles I linked you to previously. Anyways, I'm done for now.

~SonofaPen~