The answer was initially easy to come up with, but it took some extra thinking to solidify in my mind. Kinda like Jello. I like Jello usually. Its easy to make, but you gotta give it time and space to finally become a finished product. The typical answer is to say "I like those words". That may be true, but I felt there was something deeper at work.
I began this blog for me. Granted, I love having fans and followers. I greatly enjoy feeling like what I write and create can make a difference for other people. Like they can relate and understand at least a piece of the things I express. I had/have a blog for the Mid-America Union that I wrote for for a long time and still post occasionally, but I always had to moderate content and didn't sense that my poetry would suit the Adventist site. And a lot of what I do is poetry. Self expression and feeling on paper. And as you have seen, it isn't always clean. But then again, neither is life.
Basically all the people I know tend to deceive themselves. I see it especially in adults and I think this is because they've had a lot longer to build masks and walls to keep tender parts of who they are organized. People don't seem to be honest with themselves. I know people and friends who act one way around adults and another around kids. This is understandable, and in no way wrong. My point is that, how is a person to know what/who you are then?
I don't make it a habit to blatantly use profanity for show or attention. These words I say and thoughts I have are a part of who I am. Just like I don't try and make the words I say on a daily basis sound perfect all the time, so I don't worry about what I write. When I sit or lay down to pour out my soul on paper, does it make sense to scribble out things that come from a place of complete honest feeling inside me? Whether its an "inappropriate" word a disturbingly raw phrase or an uncomfortable analogy. Part of being real is acknowledging the things that your mind and heart produce. I've begun to maintain that "heart-product" as I call it, is neither bad nor good. Words that come straight from the heart are neutral, when a person stops worrying about moderation. What a person feels and lets themselves feel will directly reflect what they say and do.
My mom once asked me if the look into who I am people is positive or not, and I told her that is isn't my job to decide that. Whoever reads or hears what I say can make up their own mind on whether it is good to them or not. All I do is open the gate of self-consciousness and allow whatever is trapped inside to go free. By being honest and removing fear of judgement, one can view the true things within them exiting and analyze them.
Recently, I have been finding out a lot of things about myself, my behaviors, and the way I process. I believe that God has been working through my blog as an outlet for everything that gets clogged in my head. My blog isn't a place for me to be right about things and tell everyone the absolute best way to live and love. Its definitely not somewhere I can be perfect. That's just stupid. Its a place where I can share my journey. Explain what's going on in my life, my discoveries, my hopes, fears, and epiphanies.
This is where I can be me, and nobody else.
Hopefully this has made sense to those out there wondering why I do what I do. If things still are foggy, I can try again. A lot of times, the points I mean to make get lost in my cluttered-desk of a brain. But if anybody has a request or a specific topic they'd like me to cover, shoot me an email or leave a comment below and I'll see what I can do. Blessings to all! Thanks for being the fans and people you are. Never lose sight of your individuality. Embrace it. Be you.
