Today

Its a blustery day outside, but warm and calm within the safe walls of The Mill. Days like this feel wonderful. And that feeling is enhanced when the day has started with prayer. It has been a long time since I've begun a day with earnest God-talk. In my sleepy daze, I can tell that the prayer seems rushed, and yet in my heart, I feel the sincerity behind the incomplete thoughts and jumbled phrases. But something new happened this morning.

Without even thinking about it, I began praying for my co-workers, the people I work with at a job I hate. Especially the ones that get on my nerves. It was a great feeling. Laying out the day in advance is a relief. It takes the stress away, at least in the morning. As the day goes on, things will likely go wrong, but for now, I know that its all out of my hands now. The pressure and huge responsibilities are not mine anymore, but Someone else's. I know in my mind that I cannot do everything that needs to be done. I will fail and fall behind. I need help and something outside of myself to assist me.

Typing it all out and reading this makes it sound ideal and perfect, but it isn't. The decision every morning is usually made quickly and I end up sleeping more or taking a longer shower, subconsciously believing that these things will make me have a better day, when in fact they don't. The choices when I wake up are some of the most important ones and nearly everyday I choose wrongly. So if for a second, Reader, you think to yourself 'No prob. This is easy.', you may be mistaken. If daily prayer and surrender are not a regular habit already, it may not begin as simply as you think.

I point out the impending difficulty because I, myself, often picture things being more theatric than they truly are. Whether it be taking a test for school or saying prayers in the morning, they never turn out the way I see them in my mind. But the effectiveness and peace of mind I have isn't ever the same either. It isn't fantasy or some sort of euphoria. Its real.

I've been talking to some of my friends when I have the chance and inspiration, about God. Asking their feelings and what they think concerning Him. I've had some great talks and hope to continue. I want to change the way people view spiritual things. Rather than "super serious" and uncomfortable, I wish it to be an every day common topic. And I figure that if the things I write and think about are important and make a difference to me, I should discuss them with my friends. Especially if I hope to talk to strangers someday.

An Artist's Prayer

This is a compilation of many thoughts I had running through my mind today thinking about the Algebra final I had to take. The ideas and words were foggy within my head all day. But when they're finally put on paper, everything makes sense. Alas, math still does not.

Dear God,

I know what You’ve made me

I’ve discovered who I am

I don’t do well with measurements

The black and white I know

Consists of 88 keys

Things of science and numbers belong to You

You’ve grown me to deal with the heart

To make sense of issues

Deeper than the explainable

Now I am forced to reason

And delve into things I don’t comprehend

Lord, numbers and meticulous organization

Send me into darkness

I only want to live in the light

And thrive amidst my expertise

Remove this ruler and calculator

Put a pen in my hand

Plant inspiration in my heart

I ask only for clarity of thought

And grace to pass the tests required

Take it all away from me

Let me do what I love

Maybe one day in a New World

I can be a mathematician

Or a scientist for You

I, the humble student

You, the Eternal Teacher

Until that day

Prepare my heart

Inspire my mind

And bless my best efforts

Amen