Appreciation and Whatnot

Again, I want to thank you all for sticking it out with me during the long dry spell of no posting. Currently, I've been attempting to throw myself back into novel writing, which has been proving to be much more difficult than I originally anticipated. However, I still plan on putting out -- poems and writings, that is heh heh -- for you all to read. Also, if things begin to take off with my book as I'm hoping, I'll start letting you guys sample bits and pieces here and there. 


Honestly, the thought of constructing a full length book is daunting as hell. I find it easy to think about all the successful books that have been written and let it freak me out like I can't do it. I fret about all the reasons it could fail. My friend Bayle has told me several times that I just need to write more, and I think it's true. "How are you ever going to be a successful author if you don't write." That put the -___- look on my face cuz she's right. Ideally I think I'd be putting the pen to the paper (or the fingers to the keyboard) for at least an hour everyday, but that definitely doesn't happen. The main blockade that's been tying me down me is the worry that things won't be cohesive and believable. Like I won't present a story that makes sense. Bayle reminds me that I just need to sit down and write and deal with all that other stuff later. It'll come together. I don't relate to many of my friends about writing that way, so her advice has been very helpful.


For almost as long as I can remember, I've wanted to publish a book. In first grade, I wrote little two page stories and at one point I had around eleven pages of a story that I thought was ready to become a book. I used to dream and plan about making stories about my dog Tallie being a character in a fantasy book that was basically Lord of the Rings meets Star Wars meets Narnia meets the Matrix. Crazy stuff. When I got my Mac (the one I still have) in 8th grade I wrote probably 25 pages of decent content and then stopped. I don't know why. I think since that time I've lost my vision and drive for book writing. I started writing for the school newspaper and the Mid-America Union's blog and then started my own blog. I've gotten away from my fantasy and fictional story telling roots that I love so much. That's the direction that I want to move towards once again, while still maintaining my poetry/lyrical and "inspirational" writing.


Anyways, that's some of what's going on in my life as far as writing goes. Again, I'm here in Estes Park, so I feel more motivated and inspired to write. My dear pumpkins, it is an incredible feeling to be away from Lincoln right now and be able to find some level of solitude. It feels like I'm nearing the edge of something better. But that might just be the coffee talking.


Regards,
JTM




P.S. I might be crazy, but for the last few weeks, I've been near death in agony longing for Autumn. Like really, all I can think about sometimes is driving about with my windows down, the heater on, and a pumpkin spice latte in my hand. Oh, and being able to wear flannel comfortably would be great, because these hot-ass humid days in Lincoln are teasing my psychotic side. It's ridiculous. Anyways, I'm enjoying the kind weather in the mountains for now. Take care, peoples.

A Random Fap in the Face. Oops.

Well I didn't plan on blogging today, but considering that the time between posts continues increasing, I figure I should do it when I have the chance. I don't really have a specific purpose for this post, other than to just write something and give an update on this writer's life. Bear with me if/when things seem random and odd.

I've been trying harder than ever to learn how to pick better on my guitar, using my fingers. It can get pretty tedious at times, especially when moving from one chord position to another. And plucking those little strings is a pain in the ass, with me having such fat meaty fingers. My hands would probably be more well suited for punching someone's lights out rather than the delicate finesse it takes to pick on a guitar. Rhythm playing comes to me more naturally. Plus then I can sing along.

I decided a couple weeks ago that before I die I think I wanna try a rare steak. Even if I take one bite and purge right there on the table. Gotta try it. Just to say I have. To follow that up, I began a bucket list in a little notebook that I carry with me most of the time. In it, I have a page for bucket-list items as well as little poetry entries, random writings, thoughts, etc.

One of the reasons that I haven't been focused on blogging is because I've been helping with the creation of a senior class play at CVA. Being a one year alum is weird because I still feel like I'm supposed to be there and a part of things, so its nice to be able to work with them. I've been brainstorming with Add and Bay, and together the three of us have totally pwnd. I took it upon myself to just write out a rough draft. And at page 14, its still going strong, soon to be finished. I find great fulfillment in doing things like this. Because its like a baby. Writing it, organizing it, directing, and seeing the final product makes me feel absolutely wonderful. In the actual production of it, Add has taken interest in the sets, stage, and over all organization. Bay is psyched about creating costumes. And I shall help with running practice, act coaching, and seeing things go the right way. At the same time, we all will delve into each other's categories for advice and assistance. I explained it to Add and Bay like we're the Trinity. We all have our own main tasks, but we still get involved with the other areas of work. We joked with each other about the Holy Spirit advising Jesus. "Hey uh Jesus, maybe you should do this..." etc.

I'm trying to find daily peace in Jesus. I've known that I need this for a long time, but He continues to remind me. I can only speak for myself in this matter, but I know that my mind is a mess. Completely tangled, wound up, a lit fuse, and compressed to its maximum capacity all the time. I have to talk to my counselor about this and tell her all these things I think and feel and whatnot. The problem usually seems that I've already analyzed and self diagnosed myself, so telling her feels pointless sometimes. Without getting into all the nitty gritty, I'll just say that basic functioning, processing, and living a normal life all seem impossible on a regular basis for me. It isn't that I haven't tried before or that I'm copping out or that I've given up or that I am the way I am for attention. Its just open honesty. I keep feeling that I need to go somewhere or do something to attain clear thinking, peace of mind, and true rest. But God tells me that I can have that TODAY through Him. Conscious surrender and letting go make all the difference. I can't handle most of what is thrown at me. And He tells me that I don't have to. Tomorrow can worry about itself. Peace of mind is what everyone wants, but never can seem to get it. I might expound on this another time. Or hit me up, I'll chat your ear off about it.

SoyBean tells me that I should vlog (that's video blogging, for all your old folks out there *wink*). I don't know what to think about it.

Concerning coffee, I have discovered Scooters. Bannana told me for a long time I needed to try it, but I kept putting it off and not caring. But they have these Candy Bar lattes...... And that's all I need to say. Its all wonderful and February is "free shot month". To clarify, that's a shot of espresso. Those are the only shots I take. Except for gun shots. I shoot guns sometimes. Usually on video games. But shots nonetheless.

I've also been trying out melatonin to try and help myself sleep. Its not that I can't sleep when I get in bed... Its just that I have trouble choosing to get in bed. So I keep hoping that I'll feel sleepy enough with the natural supplement to stop my creating and go to sleep at a decent hour.

Anyways, I think I have arthritis and a severe case of ADD, so this is all I'll write for now. Feel free to comment about anything I babbled about. And if you haven't done so already, go find The Pumpkin Patch on FaceBook and LIKE it asap. Then you can be regularly notified when I post new shiz. That is all.

An Artist's Prayer

This is a compilation of many thoughts I had running through my mind today thinking about the Algebra final I had to take. The ideas and words were foggy within my head all day. But when they're finally put on paper, everything makes sense. Alas, math still does not.

Dear God,

I know what You’ve made me

I’ve discovered who I am

I don’t do well with measurements

The black and white I know

Consists of 88 keys

Things of science and numbers belong to You

You’ve grown me to deal with the heart

To make sense of issues

Deeper than the explainable

Now I am forced to reason

And delve into things I don’t comprehend

Lord, numbers and meticulous organization

Send me into darkness

I only want to live in the light

And thrive amidst my expertise

Remove this ruler and calculator

Put a pen in my hand

Plant inspiration in my heart

I ask only for clarity of thought

And grace to pass the tests required

Take it all away from me

Let me do what I love

Maybe one day in a New World

I can be a mathematician

Or a scientist for You

I, the humble student

You, the Eternal Teacher

Until that day

Prepare my heart

Inspire my mind

And bless my best efforts

Amen

My Pen Is...

Tis a poem about writing.

A natural tool of emotion

Sometimes its not my choice

It causes commotion

I substitute out my voice

Not quite a flower

Sometimes it becomes a sword

When it receives sudden power

I use it when I’m bored

My pen is,

The source from which feeling flows

My pen is,

Spewing ink and now it shows

My pen is,

Harder in my hand as it grows

Full of substance and age

These things build over time

Pieces of myself on the page

Nobody said it was a crime

Sweet honey or poisonous nectar

Are the potential products

Produced in that sector

When my mind runs amuck

Art

Music is a huge part of my life. In fact, I've recently been branching off from my guitar playing and learning piano. As far as instruments go, the piano has been equivalent to a hott/cute/funny/physically stunning/OMG girl that you just want to talk to, but don't have the courage to try. I finally talked to her. And kinky innuendos aside, I've been playing the piano non-stop since I started. And it feels wonderful. Just like when I began teaching myself the guitar, its slow goin'. But a few break throughs here and there make all the difference to keep me on track. I love music.

However, it is not my entire life. At times I used to think it was. One month music would be everything to me, and the next it would be writing, and when I was a kid, I just craved drawing almost more than anything else.

I've come to realize that what really IS everything to me -- as far as earthly things are concerned -- is creativity and self expression in general. For those reading and grasping at straws trying to understand, I'd compare it to travel. Its like loving to travel and go places, but you don't get to destinations via only one method. There are planes, trains, and automobiles (no John Candy references, God rest his fat soul) that you use to reach places.

I'd say that writing would be like my "plane". I use it very often to get my thoughts from point A to B and it seems to be most effective at expressing what I think and feel. I would probably categorize music as either a train or a boat. They can get you places, though maybe not as fast. But the plus side is that you get to see life from a different perspective when traveling these ways. Drawing would probably be like a bike. If I'm good enough at riding, it can really get me places quite effectively. It might take more time and energy, but I can definitely get there. As of now, my drawing is limited to little doodlings here and there with an occasional half decent picture. I do like it though. And finally, I'll mention an art form that people don't think of very much, but it is one that I believe in. Speech. The way someone speaks can be truly incredible. It expresses and communicates whether by the actual words or just the way they are said. Not everyone speaks well, even on a daily basis. Modern day vernacular has become so watered down and cliche that it is remarkable to find a handful of people that speak well. Speech is my car. I use it everyday, all the time, but it is indeed unreliable at times. Just like my car, my voice has problems, namely in the way my thoughts reach my mouth and come out in stutters. Or when the thought comes to my mouth, but no words flow. People are just left looking at my gaping hole of a mouth, waiting for sound, but receiving a blank stare. Low gas. Brain farts.

Overall, I thank God for art and the ability it has to medicate and soothe the human soul if we will let it. Sometimes the hardest part is to slow our racing brains down enough to appreciate the simple pieces of human existence. Whether in an emotional painting or heartfelt lyrics. The human heart is an amazing thing. It is even more amazing when you can see a heart's tender contents become something tangible; able to be interpreted and digested, back into another person's heart.
Art was made to be shared.