A Random Fap in the Face. Oops.

Well I didn't plan on blogging today, but considering that the time between posts continues increasing, I figure I should do it when I have the chance. I don't really have a specific purpose for this post, other than to just write something and give an update on this writer's life. Bear with me if/when things seem random and odd.

I've been trying harder than ever to learn how to pick better on my guitar, using my fingers. It can get pretty tedious at times, especially when moving from one chord position to another. And plucking those little strings is a pain in the ass, with me having such fat meaty fingers. My hands would probably be more well suited for punching someone's lights out rather than the delicate finesse it takes to pick on a guitar. Rhythm playing comes to me more naturally. Plus then I can sing along.

I decided a couple weeks ago that before I die I think I wanna try a rare steak. Even if I take one bite and purge right there on the table. Gotta try it. Just to say I have. To follow that up, I began a bucket list in a little notebook that I carry with me most of the time. In it, I have a page for bucket-list items as well as little poetry entries, random writings, thoughts, etc.

One of the reasons that I haven't been focused on blogging is because I've been helping with the creation of a senior class play at CVA. Being a one year alum is weird because I still feel like I'm supposed to be there and a part of things, so its nice to be able to work with them. I've been brainstorming with Add and Bay, and together the three of us have totally pwnd. I took it upon myself to just write out a rough draft. And at page 14, its still going strong, soon to be finished. I find great fulfillment in doing things like this. Because its like a baby. Writing it, organizing it, directing, and seeing the final product makes me feel absolutely wonderful. In the actual production of it, Add has taken interest in the sets, stage, and over all organization. Bay is psyched about creating costumes. And I shall help with running practice, act coaching, and seeing things go the right way. At the same time, we all will delve into each other's categories for advice and assistance. I explained it to Add and Bay like we're the Trinity. We all have our own main tasks, but we still get involved with the other areas of work. We joked with each other about the Holy Spirit advising Jesus. "Hey uh Jesus, maybe you should do this..." etc.

I'm trying to find daily peace in Jesus. I've known that I need this for a long time, but He continues to remind me. I can only speak for myself in this matter, but I know that my mind is a mess. Completely tangled, wound up, a lit fuse, and compressed to its maximum capacity all the time. I have to talk to my counselor about this and tell her all these things I think and feel and whatnot. The problem usually seems that I've already analyzed and self diagnosed myself, so telling her feels pointless sometimes. Without getting into all the nitty gritty, I'll just say that basic functioning, processing, and living a normal life all seem impossible on a regular basis for me. It isn't that I haven't tried before or that I'm copping out or that I've given up or that I am the way I am for attention. Its just open honesty. I keep feeling that I need to go somewhere or do something to attain clear thinking, peace of mind, and true rest. But God tells me that I can have that TODAY through Him. Conscious surrender and letting go make all the difference. I can't handle most of what is thrown at me. And He tells me that I don't have to. Tomorrow can worry about itself. Peace of mind is what everyone wants, but never can seem to get it. I might expound on this another time. Or hit me up, I'll chat your ear off about it.

SoyBean tells me that I should vlog (that's video blogging, for all your old folks out there *wink*). I don't know what to think about it.

Concerning coffee, I have discovered Scooters. Bannana told me for a long time I needed to try it, but I kept putting it off and not caring. But they have these Candy Bar lattes...... And that's all I need to say. Its all wonderful and February is "free shot month". To clarify, that's a shot of espresso. Those are the only shots I take. Except for gun shots. I shoot guns sometimes. Usually on video games. But shots nonetheless.

I've also been trying out melatonin to try and help myself sleep. Its not that I can't sleep when I get in bed... Its just that I have trouble choosing to get in bed. So I keep hoping that I'll feel sleepy enough with the natural supplement to stop my creating and go to sleep at a decent hour.

Anyways, I think I have arthritis and a severe case of ADD, so this is all I'll write for now. Feel free to comment about anything I babbled about. And if you haven't done so already, go find The Pumpkin Patch on FaceBook and LIKE it asap. Then you can be regularly notified when I post new shiz. That is all.

Follow Up

This morning when I went to The Mill, I met my Finnish friend and we talked about life for awhile. Unfortunately, the credit card machine was broken and I had no cash to purchase my coffee. I thought that sucked. But after we finnished talking, I took him back to CVA (he's a senior in high school). After getting money from the ATM, I returned to the coffee shop and got my drink via cash.

Not long after publishing "Today", this morning, a man with a walker entered The Mill and approached the counter, seeking a beverage. Not meaning to listen in, but close enough to hear what was said, I discovered that the man had only a credit card to pay with. He was disappointed at the news, but sat down at a table near the windows. It didn't click at first, but finally I knew I should offer to buy him a drink, considering I had enough cash and all. But what a nerve-wracking feeling that was. I don't know why I feel so nervous and scared to talk to strangers, but this especially was difficult. It felt like a long time I sat there, but eventually......... I went to the bathroom.

After using the facilities, I paused a moment and asked God to let happen whatever would happen. I didn't know what that meant really, but I hoped it would make me do what I knew I needed to do.  As I exited the restroom, I strode right over to the man's table without missing a beat. It reminded me of what I imagine sky diving to be like. Letting go. Giving in. A beautiful falling sensation.

"Hey, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I heard that you didn't have cash to pay and the credit card machine is broken. I was wondering if I could buy your drink for you."

The surprise on his face was great. He smiled and declined politely.

"Well okay. *I chuckled* I was here earlier this morning and only had my card so I had to go get cash too, so I thought I'd help you out."

Again, declined, but with sincere thanks.

"Alright, if you change your mind, just let me know." We smiled and I returned to my seat, shaking like a skyscraper in an earthquake. Twas ridiculous how on edge I felt. But it was a good feeling too. After deep breaths and refocusing, I felt better. I'm not sure why I think something bad will happen if I offer to help a stranger. Just something to get over, I guess.

Maybe he had never been offered a hand before. Maybe he was so taken aback that that was the only response to be mustered. Maybe he thought I was gay, with my little scarf and asking to buy him a drink. Maybe he perceived me to be a serial killer with my dark, scientific glasses. Regardless, my offer was turned down, which solidified a concept I've pondered before.

Accepting help and such, is an important thing. I personally have issues with accepting favors and assistance from people. I don't like to have to rely on others. But what a smack in the face it is to some people when you deny them the opportunity to follow through with something they feel led to do. That is why I am working on becoming better at being open to help. Part of God inspiring us to serve others is getting to follow through with the service, rather than only offering it.

I was not in any way offended by the declination of my offer today. It felt kinda crazy. Okay, so maybe a lot crazy, but that was what I didn't like about it. I wish it would be commonplace for people to help others out like that. I wish he would have had to say "No thanks" to three people at least. It may have been more difficult to not accept the offer.

I don't have a great ending to this, but I just felt inspired to share and follow up on what I'd posted this morning. Its more evidence that God is working. Plus, it reassures me that I'm doing at least something right and going in the correct direction by putting my actions where my words are. Converting these words and ideas into a lifestyle is the next step.

Today

Its a blustery day outside, but warm and calm within the safe walls of The Mill. Days like this feel wonderful. And that feeling is enhanced when the day has started with prayer. It has been a long time since I've begun a day with earnest God-talk. In my sleepy daze, I can tell that the prayer seems rushed, and yet in my heart, I feel the sincerity behind the incomplete thoughts and jumbled phrases. But something new happened this morning.

Without even thinking about it, I began praying for my co-workers, the people I work with at a job I hate. Especially the ones that get on my nerves. It was a great feeling. Laying out the day in advance is a relief. It takes the stress away, at least in the morning. As the day goes on, things will likely go wrong, but for now, I know that its all out of my hands now. The pressure and huge responsibilities are not mine anymore, but Someone else's. I know in my mind that I cannot do everything that needs to be done. I will fail and fall behind. I need help and something outside of myself to assist me.

Typing it all out and reading this makes it sound ideal and perfect, but it isn't. The decision every morning is usually made quickly and I end up sleeping more or taking a longer shower, subconsciously believing that these things will make me have a better day, when in fact they don't. The choices when I wake up are some of the most important ones and nearly everyday I choose wrongly. So if for a second, Reader, you think to yourself 'No prob. This is easy.', you may be mistaken. If daily prayer and surrender are not a regular habit already, it may not begin as simply as you think.

I point out the impending difficulty because I, myself, often picture things being more theatric than they truly are. Whether it be taking a test for school or saying prayers in the morning, they never turn out the way I see them in my mind. But the effectiveness and peace of mind I have isn't ever the same either. It isn't fantasy or some sort of euphoria. Its real.

I've been talking to some of my friends when I have the chance and inspiration, about God. Asking their feelings and what they think concerning Him. I've had some great talks and hope to continue. I want to change the way people view spiritual things. Rather than "super serious" and uncomfortable, I wish it to be an every day common topic. And I figure that if the things I write and think about are important and make a difference to me, I should discuss them with my friends. Especially if I hope to talk to strangers someday.

Curtain Call

The following is a post I wrote today and put up on the MAUC blog site that I used to write for often. This blog has become more like home to me now though.

It has been quite a long time since I have posted on this blog. Things change and life gets in the way and my writing schedules have pulled me in many different directions. But I suppose for now I’m just going to talk about a recent meaningful experience I had.

In order to get to my current story, there has to be a bit of background review. Ever since I can remember, my friends have left me. In retrospect, it wasn’t their fault at all. I never blamed them, it was just always out of our control. In first grade, my best friend’s (at the time) family moved to Oregon to escape the allergies of Lincoln. I still remember sobbing and hugging him for the last time before he had to leave. That same year I believe, my non-blood-related “sister” left and went away to Colorado. A kid named Chris left after third grade as did Casey, if I remember correctly. 5th grade was our class’s highest population. Twenty two students, I think. We were massive, compared to the previous and following years. Many kids only stayed for that one year, unfortunately. Michael and Tommy left for other states and countries. My best friend Nathan left the school system and became home schooled. At least he was still nearby and available to hang out with. Until 8th grade. Then he left for South Carolina. It was a very difficult time for me. Also that year, Johan, our Peruvian classmate who’d come in seventh grade moved to Washington.

Luckily, during my 8th grade year, the 7th grade class was joined with 8th and the boys in the two classes became close. Some of my dearest friends were formed because of the class combination. The next year was high school and our new friends were still up the hill, now in 8th grade. Our freshman class gained a few new students who became some of my best friends. But at the end of Sophomore year, Davis left. For the rest of high school, most of my friends stuck around and didn’t leave. Though, I had a girlfriend in the class ahead of me for awhile that went off to college and I struggled with goodbyes then too.

After graduation, I realized that this time, I was the one who was leaving for a change. Leaving behind my second home and my friends who’d become like family. Everyone stayed here in town for college, so it was just a change in structure.

A couple months ago, a handful of my graduated friends and high school friends gathered at a lake house we frequented during the summer. It was a soup supper and we were all in good spirits. Then all at once we were discussing whether or not one of my friends should go to La Sierra college in California. It came up suddenly and I felt the same feeling inside I always felt when a friend talked of going away. A tight, sick, nervous black hole in my chest that drips into my stomach. Its an awful sensation. But its what always comes over me. No resolution came from the discussion, but the thought kept itself wedged in the back of my mind.

It was awhile after that night when the matter came up again. This time it was laced with other issues and my insides felt like they were melting. I was driving and asking God why these things bothered me so much. My mind felt like a piece of paper being crumpled up, soon to be thrown away. It was about this time that an epiphany struck me. I attribute it to God, of course. For some reason, I thought about heaven and being there. This time, though, I pictured what it would be like. It hit me that my friends would be there. All of my friends, ideally. The ones that have moved away and the ones that will still leave my life. The family members that have and will die. Even pets. Our family’s dog, Tallie, is getting old, and I tear up when I think about her time approaching. Heaven is a curtain call and we’re actors in the play of life. God’s the director and all He wants to do is party with us after we put on the show of our lives. That night in the car, I felt like God was next to me in the passenger seat, telling me that He planned heaven for me (and everyone) even before I was born. Before I grew to love the people around me. Heaven is a reunion of sorts. I’ve heard it called that, but I couldn’t ever relate to it until now. Now it is the best thing I could ask for; seeing everyone I once knew on earth and meeting for the first time the Creator that made us all.

An Artist's Prayer

This is a compilation of many thoughts I had running through my mind today thinking about the Algebra final I had to take. The ideas and words were foggy within my head all day. But when they're finally put on paper, everything makes sense. Alas, math still does not.

Dear God,

I know what You’ve made me

I’ve discovered who I am

I don’t do well with measurements

The black and white I know

Consists of 88 keys

Things of science and numbers belong to You

You’ve grown me to deal with the heart

To make sense of issues

Deeper than the explainable

Now I am forced to reason

And delve into things I don’t comprehend

Lord, numbers and meticulous organization

Send me into darkness

I only want to live in the light

And thrive amidst my expertise

Remove this ruler and calculator

Put a pen in my hand

Plant inspiration in my heart

I ask only for clarity of thought

And grace to pass the tests required

Take it all away from me

Let me do what I love

Maybe one day in a New World

I can be a mathematician

Or a scientist for You

I, the humble student

You, the Eternal Teacher

Until that day

Prepare my heart

Inspire my mind

And bless my best efforts

Amen

Red Paint on a White Wall

So as of late I've been doing a lot of internal discovery. I tend to be fairly self aware as far as feelings and thoughts go, but recently its been as if things have been put into a more vivid spectrum of reality. A lot of big ideas have been on my mind that I will probably share in other posts. But what I'm going to mind-vomit over today/night is LOVE. Awww... I know, its not February, and I'll probably talk about it again, but its easier to write about topics when they're on my mind rather than suppressing them for a long time and forgetting the important crap I really wanted to say.

Love plays no games. People may play games with one another and toss Love around, but that only complicates things. Love doesn't play like that. It simply presents itself and we must make choices from there. Whether romantic or friend or family-based. Its a "yes" or "no" question each time, for true love cannot be conditional. Unfortunately, Love is confusing. People, in their imperfection do not always have the wisdom as to what to do with it. Its like a drop of vinegar in a pile of baking soda. Things well up and spill out. Things you never knew existed. Or things you've denied and shoved down for a long time finally reach the surface, unable to be contained any longer.

I remember seeing this happen in one of my best friends one late night as he and I talked. He cracked his chest open a little bit and everything poured out. The confusion. The worry. The stress. The feelings. The happiness. The nerves. The strength and the weakness. The humanness. They all mixed together into one jumbled mess of words that could only be described as Love. I resonated with him. Some of the same fears and concerns he expressed were the things I too felt when I had someone to have feelings for.

So Love is a frustrating yet wonderful thing. Its as if it has an uncontrollable way of working itself into one's mind and refusing to leave until something major shifts it out of place. However, with me, things have been odd these days. In the course of discovering more of myself and just exactly how my inner workings operate, I'm finding that while being single is an amazing thing (given the status of my last relationship, ew), something else is growing within me.

With Autumn being here and the seasons changing, a whole new side of me has started emerging. Perhaps its the side of me I always knew existed. Or maybe it was the side of me I kept locked away. Regardless of the truth, I found myself strongly embracing the artsy part of me. This was mainly highlighted by my taste of music branching out. New band names entered my vocabulary such as ColdPlay, Death Cab for Cutie, Mumford and Sons, Blue October. Music is so important to me, as I mentioned a few posts ago, and these artists especially have been transforming a piece of me in ways only music can do. My self-discovering coupled with the new music had made me feel more in touch with emotions, more apt to say what I feel, unafraid to say what I really think, and satisfied being single without relational hindrances.

A female friend of mine told me its an attractive quality when a guy is content and not desperate for a woman. Though I certainly haven't started desiring men in case you're hopeful, male readers. I've just been finding peace, gradually, more and more. And yet, with all the love songs that pass through my ears, I can't help but harboring certain feelings of romance at the same time. Yet for once, they don't really have a place to land. Like they're vegetables growing in a garden that I'm storing away. Or outbursts of undirected romance that I splash onto a blank wall, creating an abstract portrait of my heart. Its like turning all my insides to the outside.

Someday I think I'll be able to share these things. Though I tend to feel like a clamshell. Shut tight after continuous rejection and disappointment, clouded with gritty sand. One day a pearl will come out. And maybe... just maybe I'll share the vegetables and the painting and the pearl with someone. Someone like me. Someone who doesn't need me at all. They'll just want me. And I'll want them. Really, that is the essence of love. Choice. Not needing, but wanting. This is best seen from a spiritual perspective. It may seem odd to think that God doesn't need us. But it is true. And its what makes everything about Him so beautiful. He has no need, only a burning want and desire for us. That is true love.