Lately things have been more of a whirling shitstorm than anything else. Shitstorm is one of my favorite words, no doubt due to the image it conjures up. I picture it being a tornado/hurricane rampaging through a city, hurling feces every which way, leaving people utterly confused. Imagine that, if you dare. So when I describe how things have been as a shitstorm, I don't use it lightly. Now to identify what's what in this crappy analogy:
I suppose you could think of the storm as being life in general, mixing things up and keeping me on my feet. The shit could be the events transpiring that affect me and others in my life. The city could be me I guess and the people are my friends and family and such. I don't know. Shitstorm is just such a good word, I don't know why I need to specify what's what. Really though, I suppose in a way, I am the storm, I am the city, I am the citizens, and I am the shit.
My dysfunctional mind descends from the sky, out of control and flings shit at everything I touch.
My helpless city and citizens receives the storm's destruction.
My esteem reduces me to feel like shit.
Comparing myself to everything in this analogy speaks volumes about my ego, doesn't it? Dammit. That's the odd thing about ego and esteem. On the one hand I can feel so small and powerless to the untamed forces in my brain. On the other hand, I tend to have an arrogance about my artistic and intellectual abilities. Here lies a broken, envious, cynic who never really did anything. That might be my headstone right now.
Fortunately, after a return to therapy this week, I have high hopes for the not so distant future. I hope to make strides in finding some balance and order for my jumbled life. Maybe find a way to keep a job for longer than a week? That'd be nice. I have so many irons in the fire and none of them are getting hot. These days it feel like my creativity isn't coming to me as easily as it typically does. I guess I'm occupied with thinking about financial stability and returning to school for business at SCC.
I don't think I've mentioned I'm starting a business. I'm going to make and sell kuchen. I'm not thinking about it or planning to maybe do it. I've resolved that it's what I want to do. After my dismal employment track record, I'm thinking that having my own business might be a form of salvation. Though it might have its own stressors, it will be something of my own. No employer, no "daily grind". At least not the kind I've experienced at other jobs. Maybe I'm delusional about it like I have been about so many other things, but I've gotta try something.
Anyway, I'm losing my train of thought. I suppose this post is ironic in the way it's about a shitstorm and everything I've written is sort of disorganized. Oh well. Hang in there, everybody. Thanks for reading.