Wednesday, October 24, 2012

When In Doubt, Blog It Out

Readers, it has been over three months since I've posted. What da hell. My apologies, again. It seems I spend more time apologizing than actually putting out content. But such is life. Anyways, I've got some things running around in my head and I feel the need to pin them down on paper, if you will. Also, Janelle Brassuel (sp?) saw me in church this Sabbath and said she'd checked my blog this past week and there were no new posts. So this one's for you, Janelle.

Last time we talked, I was in Estes Park, trying to hammer out a novel. It's crazy, but I actually believed that over the summer, I would write a rough draft for my book. I want to slap my past self and tell him the things I know now. And I'm sure that my future self wants to slap present me and shake me awake to the things I'm missing right now.

Since I last posted, it feels like a lot has happened. I've sought counseling for my depression and for some general life guidance. It has been helpful, and I sense progress, however, going once a week for an hour feels like such little time. Plus, with rescheduling and me sleeping in on occasion, time is cut even shorter. One interesting thing I've been told to do is to monitor the things I feel. I'm usually pretty aware of the things I feel, but he encouraged me to continue examining and wondering why I feel the things I do. He gave me this "feeling wheel", which you can see here:

I took the copy he gave me and colored in properly and hung it on my bathroom door to keep me thinking about the things I'm thinking and feeling. My counselor told me that there are sections of the feeling wheel that we're more accustomed and used to, and some that aren't as normal and comfortable to feel. I tend to fall into the upper three categories. I mostly experience the Sad and Scared sections with Sad being the dominant one of the two. There's also some Mad mixed in here and there. I've noticed that I feel a lot more anger than I used to ever feel. Just today, I had a mini meltdown and took a sledgehammer to my rotten Jack O Lantern.

On the bottom part of the wheel, I feel the Peaceful emotions most. Next is Joyful, and last of all is Powerful. I’m not sure why I don’t experience the Powerful emotions, but I think it’s linked to a low self-esteem or something like that.

I've been meaning to make a list of all the stressors in my life. Just to write them out and have them in front of me. Once I get them written out, I’ll probably put them here on my blog. My hope is that by viewing them, I can start to resolve them or learn to deal with them healthily in order to reduce the strains I feel.

Anyways, today I just needed an outlet and I remembered my dear old blog, so here I am. Writing once again. I hope to post once a week at least, but I cannot make any promises. I do know that I have my next post in the making now, though. Perhaps I’ll get some poetry put up, or maybe some lyrics. And maybe I’ll fall off the grid again. You just never know.

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