Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Gentle Giants Have Bad Days Too

People that know me personally discover that I'm a pretty easy going guy. At first sight, people tend to ask if I'm a football player or tell me that I should play sports. In my mind I sigh, knowing that my exterior is deceptive. Beneath the rough outside is a gooey emotional spaghetti core. A lot of people have seen that part of me. But even deeper than the romantic intellectual who feels more than he thinks sometimes, I have an angry side. There is only so much a human being can take without their will being broken.

Under heavy stress, I can feel my mind cloud and my teeth grind. Under patronization, I harbor verbally violent attacks. Under the claw of control, I scheme my escapes. When they're all combined, things can reach a boiling point. I hate who I become. Which makes me angrier. When Luke and I were younger, he knew he could push me a long ways before anything bad would happen. He felt out my limits and learned to tread lightly.

My reactions to people are different. To my mom I tend to speak impatiently and harshly. I've hit my brother on rare occasion. My friends usually get the cold shoulder. I've let off a long line curses just because I don't know what else to say in the moment. Sometimes when people don't treat me right, I feel justified in my bad feelings. A lot of times though, I think my tolerance has just been worn down and I can't keep a hold of my negativity. I don't know why there are days I wake up this way. Its like the wrong part of my brain was switched on in the morning.

And after sitting here for twenty minutes trying to think of how to conclude this, I have officially lost motivation. Damn, I feel like shit. That is all.


  1. LOL Well at least you expressed yourself and a lot of people can't do that or don't know how or don't want to say it. Here is an idea for you--when my little grand feels grumpy she runs to her room and when she come out she says, "I talk to Jesus, I happy now." Sounds simple and I guess it is.

  2. Yes, I often wish I could grab ahold of that childhood simplicity that I seem to have grown out of. Things are so much easier when we just take a second to talk to Him.