Life gets really boring when you aren't doing anything. Its like standing in a hot shower, totally still. You get too used to the hot and its much better to turn and move a little bit. I've been having a lot of restlessness pervade me. I've become sick of work. Sick of school. Sick of my attempts at routine. Its become a circle in which I now trudge slowly around in, wearing down the ground.
With the restlessness comes a twinge of anger. Not the anger you get when you stub your toe or when you seek vengeance. Its the anger you get when a spider lowers itself down via web in front of your face. Perhaps its more of a "pissed off" feeling. The feelings that make you upset, wondering why something has to be a certain way. Why do spiders have to be in my house? Ugh. They eat bugs, but they're annoying. Geez.
This special breed of anger combined with restlessness is what I describe as "angst". In German, "angst" means fear. I suppose it is well fitting. Fear that things around me will suck me in completely, not allowing me any room to move. Fear that I won't reach full potential or gain all the knowledge I need. Fear that I'll miss out on certain experiences if I hinder myself. Anxiety accompanies depression in the definition of "angst" as well. Often, the word is associated with rebellion and teenagers. Quite fitting once again.
There's this unexplainable thing I feel inside me and I see it in some of my friends. Some dreadfully mysterious being that is pounding to be let out. This thing that makes us uneasy and anxious. Something that causes unrest and turmoil. A feeling that makes you wanna scream in public, run around the room, or even randomly slam the keys on the yorueiprueipruaipejfioeh89ehrhr375437584rheoifnsiuabvnjdvndjkfbiau niurthiurahtj;nr;IUEHRPUIHRjodfhuH9P7H79y979799y7YUEONFJL MNDBVGSCFSFGSCGVBN,VMC.VFGHKqlxox,lsosmskjsisklamamaoidvmddddmcoxowmlksoisjf
Something like that.
In my case, I get this urgency that makes me want to go and do and be and live. My friends and I have been talking about leaving and going to Hawaii this summer for the entire summer. We all have our reasons, but I know I'd force myself to in order to leave my norm. I feel like I spend too much time talking about breaking my box and less time doing it.
So I guess I'm playing Dr. Marshall and deciding I'm sicker than usual. Not extremely contagious it seems, but not curable either. Treatments are necessary. Everyday I feel hotter with angsty fever. But it calms every time I'm outside this cycle. Moments when I'm laying under the stars. Extra seconds I take to appreciate the nature around me. Late night adventures at Wal-Mart. Walking in the rain, letting myself feel it. In those experiences I can breathe and see and feel. Really feel. Horizons open up.
I realize that those moments are what life is about. You can't live your entire life in them, but they continually call to us. Drawing us away from the vicious cycles we get ourselves into. I think Heaven is like one of those moments. Except you don't ever go back to the daily circular grind of drama, schedules, and money. So maybe angst is an awareness. An awareness of the cycled circle we all have to live in. Angst makes you hate the circle, but also acknowledges your need for it. Every time I step outside the circle, its a reminder that one day the circle will finally be erased forever and we angst-afflicted will be cured.